Mixed Feelings

I've been struggling with mixed feelings since last night's news report of Venus Williams' diagnosis of Sjogren's Syndrome.  My husband listened closely to the news as the anchor deconstructed the syndrome and its effect on those of us who have Sjogrens.  He then turned to me and expressed his concern about the seriousness of the disorder and how I should be taking care of myself.  While I am glad that he heard the report, what makes it "real" to him this time?  Why wasn't his reaction the same when I was diagnosed?  When I was diagnosed, and in subsequent struggles with flareups and inflammations/fatigue, his opinion was that I "talked myself into thinking I was sick", "I needed to move more instead of sitting", et cetera et cetera.

 Does a celebrity have to do/have/be something before it is real?  I am grateful to Venus for sharing information about Sjogrens, but sad that:  1. she has to suffer with this disorder 2. that my husband took so long to hear what I've been trying to tell him for 10+ years - and he didn't hear it from me.

Harder than I thought

It seemed like such a good idea at the time...deconstructing my life.  Sorting out my internal closet so to speak. Doesn't work that way after all.  Where do I start - what do I keep - what do I discard? 

Part of the difficulty may be that I have lived more than half of my life already without realizing how fast it was passing by.  So many memories, good and bad, that I have to sort through.  Knowing that I am a hoarder of sorts makes me wonder if I will simply revisit my memories and find myself unable to let go of those I really shouldn't keep.  In retrospect, I should have spent more time in each moment as it occurred.  If I had done so, I might be able to let go of  them now.

Rather than trying to make a tidy list of memory categories, I am going to deconstruct whatever comes to mind when I open the internal closet door.  If my internal closet is half as full as my physical closet, this will take some time.  Whenever I am feeling convicted about what's in my closet and start cleaning, I find items that I forgot I had.  Some I can give away easily, some I find impossible to give away though I hadn't remembered I even owned them.  Is it the implied promise of an item newly discovered or is it a sense of shame for not remembering/using them?  I think it's a combination of both.

Deconstructed?

I think that's what I need.  Sometimes the only way to fix something is to take it apart and rebuild from the inside out.  I've spent the last two+ years caring for my dad during his final illness.  As sad as I am to have lost him in January, I am so grateful for Dad's sharing this final journey with me.  It was a journey through his life, complete with rejoicing and regrets.  Nothing held back as he deconstructed the 84 years behind him and looked forward eagerly to the new life ahead.

Now my journey begins.....